I can't

I come into the living room and see a pen sitting on my brand new couch.  I ask my youngest son, 6 years old, why there's a pen on my couch.  He says, "Because I saw a commercial."  He paused.  I asked for more information.... he says, "I needed it for the commercial.  It was so you don't get fat, you call this number and it'll help you lose weight.  They'll tell you what you can eat and you won't be fat."  My sweet little man, telling it like it is.

The thing is... I'm not fat because I'm lazy.  I'm tired because I'm fat.  I have medical issues that not only cause me to gain weight, but prevent me from losing weight.  I also have more medical issues that are because of my weight, which could go away if I ever lose weight.  I don't sleep eat, I don't eat five major meals a day and snack in between, I don't eat tons of fried, greasy food, I don't eat enough to feed a horse.  With a combination of genetics, medical issues and having baby weight x3 - I am fat.  Yes, I am.

At my most recent dr's appointment, I had yet another ailment to mention to him, in which his reply was that "It's quite possible your body is slowly shutting down because of your weight.  It's a good thing you've decided to do it."  Do what?  ...... Have a gastric bypass.  I've debated having this procedure for years, and have gained a considerable amount of weight since I first thought of it.  I just didn't feel like it was the 'right time' to get it done.  Until I sat down and realized all the "I can'ts".

I can't tie my own shoes.  I can't fit into movie theater seats.  I can't lay on my back.  I can't breathe after going up stairs.  I can't shave my legs as well as I'd like.  I can't fit into my 'fat clothes' anymore.  I can't sit at booths in restaurants anymore.   I can't, I can't and I'm tired of I can't!!  All of these things have seemed to creep up on me.  I knew the #'s on the scale changed, but didn't realize these specific things until I had decided to be real with myself.

I've been buying slip on shoes for so long, I didn't realize I couldn't tie my shoes.  I slid into movie theater seats but can't sit up, my hips are too big.  And hips don't lie.  I have a job that requires carrying large, heavy totes up and down stairs - which requires a lengthy recovery time, in order to catch my breath.  I've been sitting at fancy tables, I didn't realize I couldn't fit in a booth, until my husband made a comment about sitting at a booth where the table slides.

So... a little over a year ago, when we were 'forced' to get health insurance, I decided I might as well have a reason to use it.  I went to an open forum (required by insurance) and sat through nurses, dietitians and the actual doctor explaining the different procedures and post-op and insurance.  A few months later, I had all the paperwork filled out and started my 6 months of doctor visits (required by insurance).  A week ago I had appointment with the therapist to make sure I'm mentally capable of handling the procedure and afterwards, and an appointment with my personal dietitian to prepare me for the post-op eating rules.  Once I pass both of their guidelines, my request was sent off to my insurance to approve me for surgery.  This (according to the dr office) will take a maximum of 2 weeks.

So that's where I stand.  I wait... for insurance.  The nurses and doctor both have complete faith that it'll be approved.  My BMI being the number it is, my health issues related to weight and me following all the instructions - I should be approved.  Fingers crossed, please.  Now all I do is wait.

I want to love my body the way it is.  I want to have confidence in how I look but my body is shutting down.  I am tired of the 'I can'ts'.....  so I CAN'T stay this way any longer!!