Maintaining...

Oh my gosh - it's been awhile since I last blogged (almost a month).... mostly because my life has been crazy busy.  Family get togethers, lots of Pure Romance parties for work, a few weather and vehicle problems and a good handful of doctor appointments for me and my boys.  In between all that, trying to make time to wrap Christmas presents while the boys aren't home or asleep... which is a job in itself.  None the less, I think I've done pretty well maintaining (and actually losing a little bit) of weight during the holiday season so far.

I did have a goal number I wanted to be under by the 1st of Jan, and I don't see that happening, however, I haven't gained weight, so I'm pleased.  My surgeon explained to me that my fast-weight-loss is about over now, now it should just be steady for the next 6-9 months, and he'd like me to lose an average of 2lbs a week.  This is still an obtainable goal and I see why he's setting it for me, however (of course) I'd like to lose more!  So....

Because of that - I've severely cut down on what I'm eating.  Again.  My anxiety goes through the roof when I have a plate full of carbs or sugars in front of me, or if I have ONE bite too much.... my mind goes crazy.  I instantly feel like I'll gain weight, I feel like I've failed, I feel as though my body is going to go back to the way it was and I did all this for nothing.  I'm no where NEAR happy with where my body is at, now, I don't want to stay here.... but I AM pleased that I'm better off now than when I started.  It's so hard not to compare my journey to others that have similar beginnings, but their outcomes are different.... are better.  They've lost more weight in shorter time, they lose faster than I do, they fit into smaller jeans than I do, but weigh more than I do.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I didn't do things right.  I KNOW I need to eat more, I know I have to get my body out of starvation mode, but I just can't wrap my brain around needing to eat MORE so I can lose weight.  It just doesn't make sense to me.

Bariatric patients are supposed to talk to a therapist on a regular basis.... and me, with my disorders of bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc.... am supposed to see one anyway.  However, my "new therapist" is supposed to be really good & takes 6 weeks to get in with her.  I've scheduled my first appointment with her (was 6 weeks out) and the day OF my appointment, her office calls me because she's sick.  They put me on a cancellation list that never called me - and another 5-6 weeks went by before my rescheduled appointment, only to have her office call me AGAIN to reschedule.  It's been several months and I have yet to see her.  So I am in desperate need to see a therapist!!  For my regular issues as well as seasonal issues (this time of year is really hard on people with depression issues) and for my bariatric issues.  A good friend of mine gave me a name of someone in my town, that is good to use, so I've been trying to get ahold of her.  Hopefully that works out.  Anyhoo - -

SO - - this past 2 weeks, my lovely, dear, over-protective husband has been somewhat monitoring my food, making sure I eat more often and eating protein first - - so I'm up to 4 meals a day.  (I'm supposed to be eating about 6-7 small meals a day, according to my surgeon.)  But... 4 is good, considering I was at barely 2.  Once I started eating more, the stall stopped and the scale started moving.

I know I've talked about this before, but when I eat more & get out of starvation mode, I lose weight again.  But my anxiety and my brain just doesn't understand how eating MORE helps me lose weight.  I NEED to remember this!!

Well... that was long, but I haven't blogged in awhile, and I'm sorry about that.  I feel like I've neglected people, even though I don't really expect people to read my blog, but I'm SO very thankful for the support of my friends and family, who read my blog and follow my journey.  I truly need the support and truly, truly appreciate it!!

Take care of yourself and your loved ones!!

Still don't see it....

(This picture is me with my oldest son, 14 y/o, taken mid October, 2015)

I haven't blogged much lately, mostly because I've been so consumed with my work (I sell Pure Romance) and juggling family holidays and my boys.  Oh... my boys have been really getting a lot of my time and attention lately... for good and not-so-good reasons.  Regardless - I continued to weigh myself on a regular basis... every tuesday, however I'm changing my day to mondays.

Just recently, we had some family pictures taken and I still can't see a difference in my body.  I know that may come across vain, maybe, or low on the self-esteem scale...but I don't care how it seems.  I WISH I could see a change in my body.  As of today I've lost 91 pounds.  

9 1 Pounds!!

I can't believe that number.  I weigh a good amount less than my husband, which was one of my goals.  However, I don't feel smaller than him.  I don't feel as though I look any different.  How long will I feel like the fat girl?  Will I be super skinny someday down the road and still feel like the fat girl?  I understand that's a state of mind and it's been IN my mind for so many years, it'll take time to change that way of thinking.  But how much time??  What do I have to do to move toward that positive thinking?  I don't know, I just hope I get there soon.

On a good note, my doctors are working together to make med changes with my bipolar/depression/anxiety and I've actually been feeling a stitch better.  I am hopeful for things, I look forward to things... I still have severe bouts of sadness, darkness and heaviness but not nearly as often.  So I'm happy to say that my med changes are working.

Long post made shorter - I'm down 91 lbs, I still feel the same physically but I'm a bit better mentally.

I love all my friends and family... 

thank you for your support and kindness!!

**CORRECTION**
I DO see a difference in pictures, so I may need to take more photos so I can see what everyone else sees.  Until I believe it, I'll just look at this....

Un-stalled.... for now

Well, I have broken my stall, once again.  

I am officially down 82 lbs.

Yay!!

Now, if only I can get through Halloween without wanting to eat EVERY SINGLE Kit-Kat!

Speaking of sweets - - my dr suggested I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter in order to get my sweet-fix and get my caloric intake up, since it was so low.  I used to LOVE peanut butter, but for some reason, I couldn't keep it down.  It'd make me gag, or it'd come back up.  Sad face!!  

However, I have found a new-ish product at Walmart (also at HyVee, but a dollar more expensive, ew!) called Skippy BP Bites.  They are DELICIOUS and totally take care of my sugar cravings.  I only need about 4 small balls and I'm good to go, so the whole tub lasts me a bit over 2 weeks.  After I found these - I stock up on them, in fear that they'll stop selling them, since it's a new product you never can tell when they'll stop carrying it.  Way to keep me on pins-and-needles WalMart!  

Anyhoo - - if you need a healthier alternative to candy or chocolate bars, try the BP Bites, they are super yummy and not horrible for you!  (They also have pretzel ones, but I don't buy those.)

Well... Loving my 82 lbs and peanut butter balls...

Take care my friends!

Cabbage Beef Soup * Recipe

So... tonight I made a concoction of cabbage and beef soup and it turned out wonderful!  When I 'wing' things in the kitchen, I tend to take pictures and keep track of what I'm doing, just in case it turns out yummy and I want to share.  Sometimes... not so good.  Other days... yummy!  Today was a yummy day, so I'm going to share my recipe.  (My oldest, teenager son said, "That soup was delicious, mom!"  Win!)

INGREDIENTS:

2 lbs ground beef

8 C of beef broth/stock

3/4 C red cooking wine

1 bag of frozen veggies (corn, carrots, peas & green beans - or whatever you like)

2 cans of diced tomatoes

1 small can of tomato paste

1 lg onion, diced

1 lg head of green cabbage

(spices - as much or little as you like)

garlic powder

S & P

cumin

cinnamon

ginger

few dashes of hot sauce - just to add a little kick

DIRECTIONS:

1) In a medium sized skillet, brown ground beef with diced onions - adding in S&P and garlic powder.  While doing this - heat up the 8 cups of beef stock/broth with the tomato paste in a stock pot.  Once dissolved, add in the tomatoes to the broth.

2) Add the meat & onions in with the broth mixture in the stock pot.  Add in the bag of frozen veggies and let cook on medium heat for about 30 minutes.  While this is simmering - add in the additional spices - - cumin, cinnamon, ginger & dashes of hot sauce.

SIDE NOTE:

This ended up being a double batch (oops) so at this point, I split the soup into two separate pots, before adding in the cabbage.  If you just want a single batch - maybe half everything in the ingredients.  ??   

3)  Cut up the lg head of cabbage and place inside the stock pots. 

4) Stir it well, adding in the red wine at this time.  Let it simmer on medium to low heat for about 30-40 minutes.  Enough to let all the flavors marry and the cabbage to soften up.

5) Put in bowls and EAT!!

My husband and my 3 boys all had 2 bowls of this soup each - they really enjoyed it.  (Good thing, because we have LOTS of left-overs.... o well.)  This is all good for me, as well, because it's very low in carbs and good for me with protein and veggies, so I may have this for lunch tomorrow, too.  

If you try this - enjoy!!

Ham & Bean Soup * Recipe

When I was pre-surgery and having a bad day - I'd eat.  Eat.  Eat.  Eat!!  Doesn't really matter what it was, I'd eat.  I can't do that anymore... so now I cook.  (I still have people in my house that need to eat, eat, eat... so I can still cook!)  I LOVE cooking, it's SO much fun to create something and make someone smile when they eat it and make their tummies full.  Love it.  Anyhoo - - today I made ham stock and then made ham & bean soup.  I used no "tried & true" recipe... I just did what I thought should be done.  So .... here goes.

Ham Stock

INGREDIENTS:

Ham bone (with whatever meat & fat was still sticking to it)

3 celery stalks, big chunks

3 carrots, big chunks

1 lg onion, big chunks

1 Tbsp (or so) of black peppercorns

small sprinkle of salt (not much, since ham is quite salty)

sprinkles of garlic powder

ground cumin

small sprinkle of ginger

little sprinkle of liquid smoke would be good (I did not need this because the ham I bought was smoked)

DIRECTIONS:

1. First thing I did was brown the ham bone/fat/leftover meat that was stuck to it in my stock pot, so I'd get the good, yummy brown guck on the bottom of the pot... not sure if it's necessary, but it adds a bit of flavor to it.  

2. Put the rest of the yumminess listed above in the stock pot and cover with water.... not TONS, just enough to barely cover all the goodness.

3.  Bring to a boil for awhile..... I boiled it for about 2 hours and it started to reduce.  Then I lowered the temperature to a simmer and simmered for another 2 hours until the taste was "right".  (You can be the judge of that.)  Use a slotted spoon and remove everything that isn't liquid.  What you have left.... Viola!  Ham stock.

Ham & Bean Soup

INGREDIENTS:

1 1/2 lbs of chunked/chopped ham

3 celery stalks, chopped small

3 carrots, chopped small

2 cans of cannellini beans

2 cans of white northern beans

1 lg onion, chopped small

few good sprinkles of parsley

ham stock (about 4-5 cups... I didn't measure it.  Oops.)

DIRECTIONS:

1.  Combine ham stock, ham & all 4 cans of beans (drained) in stock pot.  Heat on medium for about an hour.

2.  Add in the carrots, celery & onions.  Heat on medium for another hour.

3.  Sprinkle in the parsley (fresh is always best, but I have plenty of dry, so I use that.) and heat on low for 20 min or so, to allow it to thicken just a bit.  

4.  Sit down with family and eat yummy ham & bean soup (let them have dipping bread or croutons with it.... things I can't eat because of carbs.  Ugh - nasty carbs!)  

Now... I'm not a chef or fancy cook, I'm just a wife & mom - - measurements are off because, well, I don't measure things.  Times are estimates and not "rules" because I wing it.  I just know how things taste when I'm done and if it's yummy - we eat it.  Don't like onion?  Don't add it.  Love carrots?  Add more.  Cooking is creativity, love and simple when you know you can do what you want.  Put some thought, some effort and some love into it and it'll be yummy.  I promise!

What else are you supposed to do when ham is on sale you buy 21lbs of it??

If I make something else yummy with all this ham - - I'll share that, too!

If you try this - hope you enjoy it!!

Much love,

I Haven't Walked

Well... I did my weekly weigh in, and again I'm stalled.  I'm SO tired of this regular re-occurance!  I would rather lose 1 lb, or 1/2 lb a week than stay the same for 2 weeks in a row.  I'm sick of it.  It's hard not to get discouraged but I'm just going to get distracted instead.  

Accountability is a huge thing for me... and I'll be honest, with my blog-world, I haven't walked in a few weeks.  I know... it's horrible.  I have been doing sit-ups and arm curls with weights - trying to flatten the flab... but the walking has gone amiss.  I want to blame the weather, it's chilly here in South Dakota now... but I LOVE the fall, so that'd be a hinky excuse.  I love the leaves, the breeze, the sights of fall - so walking should be more enjoyable at this point.  Ugh... all I can blame is myself and my laziness.

I've actually been stuck in my depression pretty bad lately, which makes me stay home more.  It's easier to avoid people than to explain my mental health issues... so I just stay away.  Yes, walking outside would be so beneficial to my physical and mental well-being, but it's SUCH a hurdle to get out and actually DO IT.  Anyone with true depression will understand that.... anyone who doesn't understand will say "You just need to do it"... "think positive and you'll feel better"... oh I could go on.  But... this 2 week weight-loss stall might be enough motivation for me to walk, walk, walk.  I need to!  Ugh!

I DO have a positive side to things... I am now a size smaller than I was 2 weeks ago.  I bought some small/tight jeans at Country Peddler last week (I mentioned my shopping day in previous post...) and purposefully bought jeans a bit too small, knowing eventually they'll fit.  Five days after I bought them, they fit nicely.  Not to mention I'm practically swimming in my husbands fraternity sweatshirt... which is nice and comfy.  My belly used to pudge out of it a bit - but it's quite roomy now.  Smiley face!

So... there's good and bads this week... I just wish I didn't have to fight my mental demons so I could see the up side of things better and easier.  I wish I didn't struggle everyday with my own mind that I could see things clearly.  I wish I could see that losing 77lbs in 5 months is a wonderful, positive thing, but I only look at the stalls and the things I should have done better.  It's a down day, that's for sure... I think, today, I'll walk to pick up the boys from school.  Some fresh air will be nice!

Take care, friends!!

New Before & After

This won't be a very long post today - mostly because I've had a bad, emotionally draining day but also because there's not much extra to report.  However - I did recently go on a day trip with my co-workers/girlfriends to Pure Romance corporate training in Minneapolis and was convinced to take a full body picture.  Since I haven't updated my before-&-after picture in awhile.... I figured I would.  Here it is.

Even though I don't feel very different, I do notice a change in my clothing.  Clothes only last roughly two weeks and then they are way too big.  I've found an adorable consignment store in my small town where I can 'sell' clothes and buy clothes.... super CUTE clothes and GREAT prices!  (Country Peddler, in case my local friends are interested... check it out!!)

What I was getting at is that even though I don't notice much of a difference... when I see pictures like this, I DO finally see what everyone else sees.  And I must admit... I'm liking it.  I'm definitely not where I want to be, yet.... but I'm sure as hell closer than I was yesterday!!

Much love, 

This is me...

Today, I am officially down 77lbs!  Yay.  My BMI has gone from 53.9 to 40.7.  Yay.  I am over halfway to my goal - only 71 lbs more to lose and I'll be at my goal weight.  YAY!

As I continue to lose weight and have to find new (2nd hand, mostly) clothes so I don't look like a total slob, I'm realizing something.  As a bigger girl - we are very much restricted as to what we can wear.  Many of us cannot afford the stylish, plus-size clothing in order to portray our actual personality.  We'd have to settle.  And as many women know - it's not good to settle!  

I turned into a jeans/tshirt girl - boring, frumpy, covering-up-her-body schlumpadinka.  How can you show the world your personality when you are so very limited with your options?  Obviously, this is not something that'll solve world hunger or heal cancer, but for an individuals life, it's important for them to feel like themselves.  As much as we'd like the world to NOT be judgemental - our first impressions of someone are naturally based off looks, which includes clothing.  

Now... I have a few more options, I have a way of showing the world ME.  I don't HAVE to wear ugh, boring clothes... I can show the world who I am, a little bit, through my clothing.  Losing weight has SO many benefits to it - becoming healthy is a major one, but wearing clothes that fit my personality is right up there with it.  ((It's also a GREAT indicator for my husband what type of mood I'm in.  Being bipolar, it's sometimes hard to tell if you're getting a sweetheart or a monster.  Now, he can see if I did my hair, make up & tried to look cute - OR if I just threw on oversized SDSU jogging pants & a sloppy tshirt... he knows which me he's getting that day.))  

So... today...

                                     

Happy, Irritated, Stuck

So... my post today is going to be Happy, Irritated & Stuck.  Let's do the fun stuff first - -

HAPPY!

I can buy some clothing items from the 'regular sizes' at Walmart.  Woo Hoo!!  And I don't mean they fit as in "stuffed-sausage", barely-got-them-buttoned type fit... they fit nice.  Of course it's forgiving material, cute colors, flattering shapes - - but all in all, I bought a few tops that were NOT in the plus-size section of Walmart.  Yes Walmart... I know there's people out there that hate them for whatever reason, but I live in a small-ish town and it's practically a necessity here.  I spent, literally, an HOUR today just wandering around the regular-sized ladies section because I have never even glanced at their clothes.  I couldn't fit before - so why even look?  Well.. now I CAN fit!  I got a few sweaters and a handful of tank tops ($1.68 a piece... yes, please!) and some cheap, funky lipsticks - just for fun!  Overall... today was a positive day.  I'm HAPPY!

Now let's do.... 

IRRITATED!

I am a part of a few different Weight Loss Surgery Support Facebook pages and as I've mentioned before, there's always a post here and there by someone that rubs me the wrong way.  Well, a few days ago, a lady posted a photo of herself eating a GLAZED DONUT!  No joke - stuffing her face, while smiling... all happy as hell and PROUD that she's eating a glazed donut.  I know, before, I've vented about people cheating on their surgery.  However - this lady did not say "I ate a donut, I shouldn't have but I did... "... she was proud that she ate it.  She was happy that she didn't become ill from it, like MOST of us with Weight Loss Surgery would.  She was NO WHERE NEAR apologetic for it.  THEN when she got some backlash from others in the comments she gets upset and snotty.  

Look, honey.  You are on a weight loss surgery SUPPORT page.  NOT a Lets Cheat and Be Proud About It page!  I don't want someone holding my hand and leading me in the wrong direction... or nodding their heads, as they watch me go in the wrong direction without helping me do right.  We ALL got large on our own... we ALL had weight loss surgery to become healthier and LEARN NEW HABITS!!  We did NOT have a life altering surgery so we could (TWO MONTHS AFTER SURGERY) eat a glazed donut and say that we shouldn't deprive myself of a sweet from time to time.  Um... Yes!  We SHOULD deprive ourselves from time to time!  We SHOULD avoid anything glazed.  We should avoid circular, carbs drenched in sugar.  Her reasoning was that she was craving something sweet - so ONE donut wouldn't hurt.  Because in the past, she would have eaten 4 or 5.  Ok... honey, again... ONE donut DOES hurt!  It hurts your mentality when you are trying to learn new, healthier habits but trying to stay in the frame of mind that cheating here and there is acceptable.  

Do I splurge?  Do I cheat?  Sure.... but not nearly the way this women did.  I eat my snap peas with some low fat ranch INSTEAD of just eating the snap peas.  Or I'll cheat by putting an extra tablespoon of sugar-free creamer in my coffee.  Or suck on a sugar-free piece of hard candy.  I could go on and on because my frustration level is through the roof with this lady and her damn glazed donut.  For her to cheat and then post a picture of it so proudly in all our faces - - when we are doing our best NOT to eat that LOVELY, DELICIOUS glazed donut is such a bitch move.  There I did it - she's a bitch for rubbing it in our faces.  So yes.... cheater-cheater-donut-eater, I'm IRRITATED with you!!

Lastly... 

STUCK.

I've heard about and read about other people that have had my same exact surgery... and their tolerances for food change with time.  About a month ago or 6 weeks ago... my dr's office had given me permission to slowly start eating a few carbs here and there.  The healthy type - whole wheat, blah blah blah.  I'd have a bite a couple times a week... no big deal.  I miss them terribly.... but my dr said it's good for brain function, or something, I don't remember.  (Maybe there's something I can eat for memory... but I'd probably forget what that was.  Anyhoo...)  So, I was SUPER excited when I found whole wheat pastas on sale at my grocery store... and excited when my family no longer cringed at the sight of wheat bread.  (Yes... I'm changing my whole family's eating habits... I'm responsible for my children's habits until they are 18, I don't want to screw them up this early!).  

Anyway (easily distracted today).... to shorten my story (too late) I can't tolerate bread anymore... of any type.  I take one bite.  I chew chew chew like the dr tells me... chew the MESS out of it until it's mush, then chew some more... then swallow.  Take your time, blah blah blah.  I do all that and it gets stuck.  Damn it!  It gets stuck in my esophagus/pouch/yellow-brick-road to nowhere'sville.  I can feel it... like a giant boulder wedged in a drinking straw - bread gets stuck.  Pasta expands and I feel nauseous and now bread gets stuck. I'm sharing all this with you - just cuz I'm sad about it... I really miss bread!  Carbs.  Bread, pasta, rice... I miss all my white-food-friends... can't even tolerate the wheat ones.  Ugh!!  They get STUCK!

Blah!!  

Such is my life... 

Thanks for reading!!

Much love,  

Wrong tunnel?

You don't see my pain... so it's not real.  You don't understand my pain... so it's not there.  I can't explain my sadness... so it's not real.  It's not diabetes or cancer... so it's not serious.  More people need to realize it's real.  It's real, it's horrible and it needs medical attention in order to allow anyone to get better!

My week has been horrific, for no 'specific' reason, other than I'm sick and my anxiety is taking over!  The light at the end of the tunnel, that I was focusing on was that I had an appointment with my therapist on thursday.  Today.  But she's sick, so I have appointment no more.

Sometimes the only thing that gets you through rough days is that there's a light at the end of the tunnel that you can focus on... but for me, this week, that went away.  So I need to find another light.  Or maybe I'm in the wrong tunnel??

Let me give some advice when someone you love has a mental illness... depression, anxiety, bipolar or otherwise.  When something is wrong and you see them suffering - do NOT ask "What is wrong?"  More than likely, they don't have a reason - other than they are ill and it's a bad day.  They can't explain it, specially not at the moment they are in it, and more often than not - you won't understand.  So.. instead, sympathize and just show you care.  "I'm sorry you're not feeling well today, if I can help, let me know."  It seems simple, but it helps.

Well... no therapist today... guess I'll turn to crafts.  (Since turning to food is no longer an option.)

Take care 

(Of yourselves and each other!)

Much love, 

Alone

So much going on today - - first and foremost, it's weigh day.  I have once again, stalled, but I've lost a total of 75 lbs total.  So even though that's the same number as last week, I'm going to do my best to celebrate it.... ignoring the stall that's happened for 1 week.  Next week will be different.

I woke up this morning, really struggling with my illness.  I've mentioned before that I am Bipolar II with severe anxiety.  Usually it's either contained and maintained, under control... but there are bouts where it peaks it's ugly head and runs through my life like a tornado and I'm left dealing with the aftermath.  Well, today, I am on high alert.  My insides are jittery, I can't control my emotions, I've cried so much my eyes are about puffed shut.  I can't explain to my son why I'm so sad... because I don't know.  I know that I don't know - so that's the best I can do.  It comes and goes - luckily doesn't come as often as it used to.... but it sucks just as bad as it did before.  I go to pick up my klonopin and the pharmacist says it'll be 40 min.  Ugh!  So I wander, lost, aimlessly, around the grocery store.... severely overwhelmed by all the options and mental-recipes and prices.  I'm overwhelmed by the amount of people there during the day.  For once I was not the least bit annoyed by the super-turtle-slow grandparents shopping - as I was about the same speed.  I was doing my best to hide my tears, they've been flowing all day.  Luckily my nose turns red when I cry - so I just look like I have a cold.  If anyone was to ask - "I have a cold, thanks for asking".  Hm.  So... I was alone in the grocery store.. ugh... to dwell in my anxiety and depression while waiting for my pills.

Also - I received a bill in the mail... a large bill.  I look into it (I have enough bills - so for one that SHOULD be covered, I'm going to deal with that shit!)  and I call the health insurance people.  The lady was super nice, but I was super upset.  Not with her - I've worked customer service, I know you can't blame her so I do my best not to unleash it on her.  After discussing things with her - I've come to realize that although my insurance company DOES/DID cover my bariatric surgery, it does NOT cover ANY bariatric-related services before or after the surgery.  How is that responsible??  I had complications (many) from the surgery that needed to be fixed... not covered.  I have necessary follow up appointments with my surgeon - not covered.  I have nutritionist appointments - required but not covered.  What kind of bullshit is this?  You allow (by covering) someone to have major, life-changing surgery but then lead them out to pasture and say "Fend for yourself now... that's all we'll do."  That's a bunch of bull.  They ditched me - they left me alone!

So... Way around it?  My family dr is fully aware of my surgery and has had many post-bariatric patients in the past.  I trust him, I like him and he makes time to make sure I understand things.  I will schedule updates with him based on my side-effect FROM the surgery, but not necessarily bariatric related.  Hopefully they'll be coded as such and covered as just regular follow up with my family dr.  Cuz that's covered.  Then I can still see my therapist and my psych dr - cuz that's covered.  And I'll flick-off the insurance company behind the scenes... because that's free!

Overall - - not a good day.  Not a good day at all, but I'm updating my blog, because it's my semi-public, online journal and my therapist says I need to journal.  I've just realized I've combined my weight loss surgery blog, with my recipe blog and my mental illness blog.  Why not?  It's mine... I do what I want.

Still have much love for y'all that are interested in my journey.... 

such is life!  Oh, how different it is for everyone!!

Much love!

Ups and Downs

I need to remember this - - that there WILL be stalls and there will be ups and downs.  Recently my scale showed that I had gained 2 lbs!  Oh my Lord I was about to panic - then I got my period.  (Sorry, TMI for the men that read my blog.... but it's a part of weight loss we women must deal with.)  So I gave myself an extra few days to get my weigh-in in.  After all is said and done, my weight has not moved, no loss or gain, from the previous week.

This sucks and I'm semi-bummed but I KNOW this is part of the journey and that I'll lose inches, not pounds sometimes.... so I'm dealing.  I will NOT make my goal to weigh much less than my husband before my birthday (in two days) but I have still lost a good deal and I'm happy with that. 

On the plus side... I am starting to see and feel a difference in my body size/shape.  I'm gaining a bit of self-confidence... not much, but a tad.  I'm noticing that I can feel certain bones that I haven't in many years - my shoulder bones, hip bones (Oh, there you are!), my knees are boney, my tailbone hurts like a mother-F*ker after sitting at a football game... ouch!  Miss that cushion back there.  I've also noticed some deflation in my boobies.  Size wise they are very much the same, just seem a bit deflated, which is strange.  O well.... side effects, I suppose.  

Ups and downs - - once again - - but I'm glad you guys are all along for my journey, as well!

Much love!

It don't fit today...

I've had to buy a belt - for the first time in years.  I have a gap in my waistband of my jeans when I wear my belt.  There's room in the thighs of my jeans.  My shirts are roomy in the tummy area.  Sleeves seem to be longer.  The legs of pants seem to be longer - am I getting shorter, too?

I don't always look "put together" anymore - sometimes I look sloppy and frumpy.  In the past, if I looked like this, it'd be because of my depression and I didn't care how I looked.  Now it's because clothes are expensive and I can't afford to buy new ones (even 'used' new) every 2 weeks, so that they fit.  Luckily, I'm somewhat of a 'cute clothes hoarder' and have kept a few pieces throughout the years that I was in hopes of wearing again.  Eventually, though, those will run out their time and I'll be in the Goodwill again.  

Just sharing my frustrations today... I'm happy about it, though, it's a good problem to have.  None the less, it's a problem.  It's also a good reason why I may look like crap, if you see me out and about and my clothes don't fit.  It's because of my good problem.

That's me, today... 

Take care!

Atkins Beef Merlot

This is not a recipe, but more of a review.  I've had some nasty boxed, "healthy" meals while on this journey, but I thought today, I'd share a yummy one!! Atkins Beef Merlot.... Yummy!

It's got 310 calories, which is good for me to eat a meal with that number!!  16g of Protein, and only 3g of Sugar and 9g of Carbs.  All of these are good numbers for someone who's had weight loss surgery.  The best part?.... I was able to eat all of it!  It's basically just meat and broccoli in a gravy sauce, but it's delicious.  Right sized portion, right nutrition, right taste.  It's a winner!  "Amy Approved!"  hehehe.

Enjoy!

Almost Half!

So... when you have weight loss surgery, nine times out of ten, the doctor will ask you what your goal weight is.  Mine, in fact, has asked me at every dr's appointment, which is totally fine with me.  Anyhoo - My goal weight loss number was to lose 148 lbs.  It sounded like a huge number at the time, but now it seems totally doable - - because.... I am almost HALFWAY THERE!  I am down a total of 71 lbs as of my weigh in on tuesday and I have 77lbs left to go.  I'm extremely happy that I can actually see my goal as realistic now.  This is amazing to me!  

Another big step for me - which I didn't even realize until I did it - was I can now cross my legs!  In the past, I would sit down, try to cross my legs and they'd just slide apart due to my thighs being so large.  I love my thighs, but I'd also love to be able to cross my legs.  Well, I sat down yesterday, without even thinking I tried to cross my legs and they STAYED!  I can cross my legs!! 

Another update on my health - - my mental health - - I had a therapist appointment yesterday and was informed that at the caloric intake number that I'm at, my daily function abilities will start to diminish.  She said my judgement will start to be impaired and my energy level will continue to decrease.  She let me know that a person needs a certain amount of calories in order for their brain to function properly, so I DO need to up my daily calories.  I try so hard - it's difficult when you're not hungry, to eat high(er) calorie foods that are still healthy enough to not make me sick.  I am just not hungry.  I eat so very little - that I've been adding in spoonful of peanut butter here and there, as my nutritionist suggested, but I'm barely getting to 600 calories a day.  Some days I get stuck at 380-400.  I realize this is not good for me, my body and my mind, but I'm doing my damnest to fix it and eat more and healthy.  It's a struggle... that's for damn sure!  It's a struggle!  

Either way - - I'm HALFWAY to my goal and on the right track.  Obviously I knew there would be struggles, so I'm not surprised, but I'm relieved that this surgery is actually working.  It's working and I'm halfway to my goal!!  Go me!!

Much love, all!!

Pizza Guy

PB&J Cupcakes * Recipe

So... not everything I cook is healthy, because I don't eat everything I cook.  Like I've mentioned before, there are people in my family that need to gain weight - as well as people that can eat what they want and their body naturally burns it off.  Anyhoo - I've decided to add un-healthy recipes as well as healthy recipes.  Just because - - it's my page, I'll do what I please.  =)

Peanut Butter & Jelly Cupcakes

INGREDIENTS:

Vanilla cake mix (& ingredients to make it)

1/3 C sour cream

Favorite Grape Preserves

1/2 C Whipped cream
Tub of Vanilla Frosting

1 C Jiffy Peanut Butter (LOVE Jiffy!)

Bunch of mini table grapes, Black Corinth

DIRECTIONS:

1) Make cake according to directions but add in sour cream and fill sprayed cupcake liners 3/4 full.  Bake as directed on box for cupcakes.  When done, allow to cool fully.

2) I always flatten the tops a bit by cutting off the peaks, if there are any, that way they are easier to frost.  Then take a chunk out of the middles - core them.  I have a handy dandy cupcake corer my husband bought me... but you can also use a pairing knife.

3) Make jelly filling - - use 1/2 average size jar of grape flavored preserves, mix in whipped cream with hand mixer.  Once well blended, add in a good handful (or more if you prefer) of the mini grapes... carefully mix the 'goop' together, try not to flatten the grapes. 

4) Carefully spoon the grape mixture into the middles of the cupcakes until level with the tops.

5) Make the frosting - - Mix together your favorite vanilla frosting along with 1 C of peanut butter.  This will make it pretty darn thick - so I add in milk, a tablespoon at a time, until it's easily spreadable.

6) Frost all your cupcakes.

7) Sprinkled tops of cupcakes with a few extra mini grapes... and Woop Woop!! You have PB&J Cupcakes!!  They are YUMMY!!

I also made toffee cinnamon bun cupcakes.  Super easy, but I'll share my info... 

Make Vanilla cupcakes (with the sour cream) and mix in a good handful of Health Toffee bits into batter.  Fill cupcake liners, bake according to directions.  Make frosting - Pillsbury Cinnamon Bun frosting with 4 oz cream cheese & Tbsp of milk at a time, until smooth & spreadable.  Frost the cupcakes and sprinkle extra toffee bits on top.  These are so delicious.... but no worries, weight loss followers, I didn't and won't eat any of these cupcakes.  They are for friends, tonight.  

Hope you enjoy!!

Much love,