I'm Doing Great!

Well, shoot... it's been a long while since I've blogged.  I've had a number of health issues pop up, causing concern and causing me to have a few more procedures, surgeries and tests done - I'm still in the middle of this mess as I type this.  Have you ever had a gall bladder attack?  Oh good Lord - that's the most painful thing I've experienced since child birth - woke me up from a dead sleep and landed me in the ER as I was thinking it was bypass related.  I was scheduled for surgery the next day to have my gall bladder removed.  My follow up appointment with my surgeon went well and she explained to me that I had a very sick gall bladder, full of gall stones the size of marbles - so it's a good thing we decided to take it out.

All my medical issues aside - I'm doing alright.  I've finally hit a milestone I never thought was going to happen, to be honest.  I am FINALLY under 200 lbs!  I haven't been in "one-derland" for almost 15 years!!  It's crazy - and I almost cried when I saw the scale last week, but was immediately hit by the reminder that I still have a ways to go to get to my 'goal weight'.  But... this means the scale IS moving!  I'm eating more - not MUCH more, but more.  Like everyone has been telling me, I'm eating more and losing again.  My trainers seem to be pushing me a bit more than before, which is totally fine to me!  And after I was cleared by my doctors - I've returned to roller derby practice and THRILLED to realize I have not forgotten all I've learned.  So... I'm doing alright.

No!  I'm doing good!  I'm seeing my therapist on a regular basis to deal with my mental problems... I'm FINALLY taking care of all my medical issues that I've been avoiding for so many years... I'm eating healthier... I'm working out more... I'm feel better.  I'm doing great!

I've recently taken a trip to Florida (Pure Romance World Conference was there... spent a week away from my boys).... and fit comfortably in the airplane seat!  Score!  I danced my butt off a couple nights, I ate dessert once (big mistake), I learned a lot and made new friends.  All in all - Florida was a GREAT trip and perfectly timed for this part of my life.  I needed that confidence boost, I needed that girl time (never thought I'd say that) and I am so thankful I went.  It was a blast!  But boy am I struggling to get back into my regular routine.

First night in Florida there was an all white party.
Man... that was fun!!

So... overall, I'm a mess but I'm doing ok.  Isn't that how life goes?  There will always be ups and downs but we just need to keep going and try to remain positive.  Some days are SO MUCH harder than others - but today seems to be a good day.

Hope this finds you all doing well, also!!

Take care my friends!! 

With Love, 

It sucks... I won't quit

I'm stuck.
I'm stalled.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired of this shit!

I know the 'rules'... I know I need to eat more to lose weight.  I know the more I work out, the more fat I'll burn and more my muscles will magically appear and I'll start looking bomb.com eventually.  However, when I've NEVER struggled with putting food in my mouth... it's beyond difficult to wrap my brain around the logistics.  I KNOW the information - I'm being told over and over again.  It just doesn't make sense.

Above and beyond my issues with not eating enough and working out more than I ever have before... I now have an eating disorder.  Technically, my records show an eating disorder before my surgery, of a food addiction,... but I never took that seriously.  Man... if I would have worked on that before my surgery, I might be better off now.... 10 months after my surgery.  However, now... I feel disgusting if I eat "too much".  (Granted - TOO MUCH is a LOT different now than it ever was before.  Too much, before surgery, would be 2 or 3 plates of food, that a grown man probably couldn't finish.  But too much now - is simply feeling full.)  I HATE feeling full.  I absolutely hate that full feeling - - not the uncomfortable, 'ate-too-much' full feeling.... just full.  Normal, everyday full.  I feel gross, disgusting, nasty and like a giant, fat, obese piece of shit that once again ate entirely too much food... because I'm fat and have a problem with food.  I feel as though the weight is instantly going to be put back on if I have one bite too much... I can feel my clothes getting tighter, I can feel my skin stretching back out, filling in with fat and ickiness because I ate so much food that I feel full.  Just full.  I HATE that feeling.... so I don't feel it.  I do my best to not eat enough to feel full or I take care of it if I do feel full after I eat.  I HATE that feeling!!  It mentally hurts and I can't stand it.  I'm struggling every day to balance the amount of food I'm eating so that I don't feel full - I don't feel hungry hardly ever, so eating in general is hard for me.  This is hard!!

I'm still ranging between 600-700 calories a day, some days I can get as much as 800 in if I truly focus on what I'm eating... or if I know it's going to be a pretty physical day.  My trainers at the gym are trying to show me that I'm doing what I need to be doing - - just need to eat more.  I've lost almost 2% of my body fat in that last 5 weeks, I'm tighter, becoming more 'toned', losing some of my loose skin... but the scale is not moving!  I'm beyond frustrated - my dr wants me to lose 2-3 lbs a week and I'm not doing it.  I work out 3 times a week for at least an hour and I have roller derby practice 2x a week for 4-5 hours total.  I'm being physically active - more than ever before!  I am feeling better - and that's the MOST frustrating part!!

I FEEL better!!  I feel tighter, I don't jiggly as much, I fit into places I haven't before, I wear smaller clothes (did I mention I'm down TEN sizes from when I started this journey?!?!) and I don't get winded hardly ever.... so I'm FEELING better!  But the scale is not moving.  "Don't focus on the numbers on the scale"... I know!  I hear it all the time, I know this.  But what I know and how I feel are not going together... they are not agreeing.

Yes... I know what you're thinking and yes, I'm seeing a therapist.  She's wonderful and helpful, but she's not here with me 4-5x a day when I need to eat, she's not with me when I go to the gym to work out or on mondays when I weigh in, she's not with me when I feel full and instantly need to get that food out.  Even though it's going against everything I KNOW - a part of me wants to go back to the person that just sat around, walked 2-3x a week around the neighborhood and just ate when I felt like it - - the weight was coming off.  I stalled, but I still was losing.  I'm beyond frustrated - - did I say that yet?  I'm BEYOND frustrated and I am TIRED of people telling me to eat more... when I've been told almost my whole life that I'm eating too much.

BUT.... I don't like quitting.  I HATE quitters and quitting and giving up.  I will TRUST the process, I will believe the people that know what they're talking about... my dr, my therapist, my nutritionist, my trainers, my surgeon... I will believe them and trust them and do my BEST to listen to them and do as I'm told.  Eat more - lose more.  I need to get over this mental hurdle and focus on how I'm feeling... (when I'm not full) I'm feeling great!!  Maybe I'll avoid the scale for a few weeks - and do one weight check right before I go to Florida end of the month... see how things change.  We'll see.  But I'm not going to quit or give up - I'll just figure out a better way to eat and look at it as fuel.... not automatic fat that'll make me gain all the weight back.

Ugh... ok, pity party over, venting done... for now. 

Thanks for reading and because you're reading this, thank you for your support.  (Unless you're just being nosey... either way, I don't mind.)  Take care of yourself, friends!! 

I Did Hard Today

Yesterday was wednesday, a gym day.  But I woke up with a shooting pain going down my leg, around my inner thigh area.  No idea why, where it came from or how to fix it, but it hurt like a bitch!  I walked around the house for a bit in the am trying to loosen something up, so I could go to the gym and it didn't work.  Then I sat down.  Damn it - I sat down.  An hour passed and I started working, got a call from the high school that my son was sick and I needed to pick him up.... then I was MOM.  I was no longer Amy, taking care of Amy by going to the gym on her 'Gym Day'... I was Ethan's mom and shortly after that I was again Micah & Carters Mom, picking them up and finishing the day as normal.  I felt horrible!  I felt defeated and tired and sleepy.... I am NOT a morning person, I am NOT a regular gym person - but I need to be.  I don't know what that pain was but it hurt bad, it F'n HURT, but I should have went to the gym.  It was an excuse to not go - and excuses are easy, NOT going is easy... getting off my ass and doing something that isn't a habit yet, doing something to take care of myself for once is hard!  Simply said - going to the gym (specially in the morning!) is hard!

Today is thursday... I wake up early  now (without an alarm, dang it, I MAY be becoming a morning person - blah!) and I put my LuLaRoes on, put jeans on top and go to the gym.  I drag my tired, sleepy, still-a-bit-sore ass to the gym.  When I get there, my trainer is already huffin and puffin and sweatin... what the hell has he already done this morning, when all I did was make coffee and barely put my hair in a ponytail.  I'm grumpy, I'm PMS'ing, bloated (so technically gained 2lbs - damn water weight - female world!!), I'm sore, I'm tired, I'm horribly sad for no reason - don't think my depression meds are working quite right.  But I made it IN the door to the gym.  I foam rolled - ugh hate that! - but Isaac says I need to do it.  I decide to blare my music while walking off the crap on the treadmill.  I incline, incline, incline until my thighs burn... I go faster and faster until I almost jog.  Warning: Fat girl jogging!!.... but I loathe jogging, so I slow to a fast walk.

I'm sweating, I'm tired, I'm sad deep in my chest.  The music is upbeat but I'm held back by my thoughts.  I'm SO incredibly angry with myself for not coming in yesterday, for not taking care of myself yesterday, for putting others first all the time.  I'm mad at myself for allowing others to effect me so much.  I'm irritated as hell and just want to stay on the treadmill until I sweat out all my issues.  I don't want to be bothered, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to cry!  Can't cry at the gym... I'm supposed to be strong at the gym!  Then I'm startled by Isaac hopping on the treadmill next to me, doing his own thing, MUCH faster and peppier than I was going.  He's playing air piano, he's jammin, enjoying his music and the work out.  I'm getting upset that he's enjoying it so much and I'm struggling so much today.  He's not on long, he hops off, then holds out his hand to me for a high five.  No words - just those high fives he likes.  Those corny, cheesy, awkward high fives that I don't understand... but I think I get it.

He understands it's hard for me, he sees me trying, he sees me sweating and struggling.  He doesn't give me the option of quitting, like others in my life that say "You can quit if it's too hard"... "Don't do it if you don't like it"... he basically said 'You're doing what's good for YOU today' with that high five.  He said 'I see you, good job'.... with that high five.  It was simple, to him, probably.  It was easy, didn't mean much for him... (like I mentioned before... he likes high fives).  But I was struggling bad, physically and mentally at that moment and felt very alone because that's just my illness clouding my day.  Then there's a hand in my face reminding me that I'm doing what I need to be doing, for me!  ** Then I cried and sweat and kept going. **

Excuses are easy... NOT going is easy... NOT doing is easy.  But treadmills are hard, sweating is hard, allowing others to support you is hard, taking care of yourself is hard, avoiding chocolate when you're pms'ing is hard, getting out of bed when your depression wants you to stay is hard, smiling when your head tells you not to is hard, LIFE is hard.

I did hard today.  

XOXO Friends!

Bariatric 'No's'

I HAVE to share this article with you all - - I just read it and can't agree more!  I've mentioned this before, but I'm SO tired of reading all the sob stories about how so and so ate a doughnut, fries, garlic bread, pasta salad, bagel and cheesecake and now they're confused why they gained the weight back.  Ugh!  Are you serious?  Or those people that say "You can have anything you want - just don't eat as much".... NO!  If you eat a bite of cheesecake, your body will WANT the cheesecake and think it's ok to crave it.  If you get used to NOT eating it at all - your body will become satisfied with healthier options and no longer crave the things that stick to our thighs and ass.  Ugh!

This is a tool - - that's it.  It's a tool to help us lose the weight while we are learning new habits and become healthier.  It is not a fool-proof plan that will continue to work when we decide to quit or cheat.  SO frustrated with the people that go through this process and then sabotage their own health.  If that's what they choose to do - then shut up about it - I don't want to hear it.  I am following the rules, doing my best and trying to learn new ways of eating and living so that I can become healthy and STAY healthy.  I want this to be a long term effect on my life, not just a quick weight loss and then quick re-gain.

Alright... I've griped enough.  Here's the website article I am referring to - - I love it!!

Not What You Wanted to Hear

Happy Soul

A lot has happened this past week!

I had an updated appointment with my surgeon last friday.  He is happy with my progress and says he could see me losing another 60-70 lbs.  I was quite shocked because I've always been thinking my goal weight would be at a 150 lb loss - so hearing 170 lb loss caught me off guard a bit.  My dr is going off my height/BMI, so I understand why he's saying that - but I guess I'll be happy with anything between 150-170 loss.

He is very concerned about my caloric intake, as is everyone else.  I am trying extremely hard to get 800+ in a day - although he said he'd be happy to see me at 1,000 on a regular basis.  That thought stresses me out completely - so I'll just aim for 800 right now.  Which I'll be happy to say that I have had 800 calories 3 times last week.  Yay for me!  This might account for the 5lb weight loss I had since last week.  (Which my weigh in days are changed from tuesdays to mondays - because that's when my trainer weighs me.)

Something else that probably helped with my weight loss is the fact that I am still going to the gym on a regular basis, even when I don't feel like it.  And that's MOST of the time - - I don't feel like it.  ALSO - - my happy, thick ass has joined Roller Derby!  (Midwest Maidens!!...Yes!!)

I am right now considered a 'Bambi', I'm assuming that's due to the shakiness on skates, right now.  Hehehe... however I hope to soon be Freshmeat and on my way to booty bumpin some girls!  Yes!  I had practice last night and a gym day today - and I'm exhausted!  But I'm SO proud of myself for still sticking to my gym day - even though derby kicked my ass!  I woke up with bruises and a few cuts - not sure where they came from... but I'm told they are called Derby Kisses.  Well, I have a few.

On a different note - tonight I'm making Spinach Artichoke Chicken for supper - - mixing in some pasta for the boys.  I found a few low cal, low fat recipes online, I'll combine them and see how wonderful they turn out.  If it's super yummy, I'll share it with you later!!

Overall - - friends - - today is a good day and I've never been SO happy with the road that I'm on in my life and the people that I have in it.  I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm surrounded by the right people.  I have support, I have friends, I have the right doctors.  I'm becoming healthier and happier - and I'm doing it how I want to do it.  I'm becoming stronger physically and mentally...and I couldn't be happier about it today.

So... friends, today, my soul is happy!!

Take care, be safe...and enjoy the snow today!

PS - - did I happen to mention how much I LOVE LuLa Roe leggings?  Got my newest pair in the mail today (delayed due to snowmageddon) - perfect for lounging around in after the gym, on a snowy day.

SIDE NOTE: (1/28) The spinach artichoke chicken was delicious, but it would not stay down (for me).  My children loved it, my husband Chris loved it... my pouch, however, did NOT like it.  I can't figure out what was in there that didn't agree with me, but I'm disappointed because it turned out yummy.  Hm... guess that's the life of a bariatric patient.  Phooey!

Ladies Road Trip

Few days ago, my company (Pure Romance) had a training opportunity in Minneapolis.  These are wonderful, free trainings put on by the largest romance company in the world and are NOT to be missed.  However, Minneapolis is quite a drive from where I live.  Not impossible, but not a trip you'd like to make on your own - so we spread the word and get a group of ladies together from our team and make a day out of it.  We leave at butt-crack early (yes, that IS an actual time!) and you come home late.  I had 3 wonderful women from my team in my carpool - ladies I barely knew - just names mostly.  But spending several hours in a mini-van together tends to cause moments of bonding.

We got to know each other quite well, sharing life stories and goals and desires.  Laughing and crying were both present.  (Potty breaks and Dairy Queen also happened.)  I'm mentioning this because I've never had many close friends.  I'd stay away from people, mostly so I didn't feel like a burden to others.  I didn't want them to view me as damaged, broken, weak... I didn't want to be vulnerable to others.  I don't like to be gossiped about or looked down on.  But talking to these ladies made me feel SO much better about all the different struggles and journeys I've had in my life.  One of which is my weight loss journey.

I realized that once I release things off my chest - the weight I carry is much, much lighter.  I no longer felt heavy or held down by the things I've kept inside.  I realized that by sharing my stories - others no longer feel the need to carry their own burdens - if I can share, they start to share.  If I can be honest - they start to be honest.  If I can open up - they open up.  Then all of a sudden there's a new group of friends that know so much good and bad about me - and still want to be my friend.  I don't need a LOT of friends, I need good quality friends... and I'm slowly starting to find them.  This makes my heart smile.  Thanks to a company that truly believes in their consultants.  Thanks to wonderful training that not only betters our business but also betters us personally.

There's no way to ONLY show my weight loss journey, because it is intertwined in my lifes journey.  So much going on and it's all in the right direction.  Detours here and there but in general - the road trip will take us to the right destination!  My LIFE road trip has included a LADIES road trip and I'm grateful to have 3 new friends because of it.

Also - - I've just now hit the 100 lb loss mark!!  I'm officially down 100 lbs and I WISH I could be happier about it - but it's truly just a number and I'm not done yet.  So it's just another step on the staircase - not to the top yet.

Still..... Woo Hoo - 100 Lbs!!! 

Much love, friends!!

Harder than I thought....

Yes... going into this process, I KNEW it'd be hard.  I knew it'd be hard to not eat the wrong foods, to stop emotional eating, to stop relying on food to make me happy, to move more and become active and get off my ass.  I KNEW I would have to make PERMANENT lifestyle changes in order to become healthy and happy.  What I did NOT expect (although read about and didn't think it could happen to me) was the complete reversal of all my issues.

One spectrum to the other.  One extreme to the other.  Exchange one addiction or problem with another one.  I have a mental disorder, as I've mentioned before, I'm bipolar, severely depressed and also have anxiety disorder.  This can cripple my world for a days - for absolutely no realistic reason.  But it's a fight against my own brain on a daily basis that I have struggled with for many years.  I thought I would try really hard to get over my food addiction and use it as fuel instead - not as emotional support, like in the past.

However... this is MUCH harder than I thought.  I have stalled - more or less - for roughly 4 weeks.  I was aiming for 100lbs lost by the new year, which I've posted that I did not achieve and I'm alright with that.  However, the REASON it didn't happen is what I have a problem with.

I have just settled down after a panic attack today.  My breathing has settled, my heart has slowed and my tears have dried up.  What was today's trigger??  I had to EAT.  My trainer wants me to get up to 800 calories a day, specially now that I'm working out so often, and burning more calories than my body has been used to.  Ideally, I'm sure 1000 calories or near that would make them even MORE happy, but right now I'm teetering between 400-600 calories.  This IS a problem, my body and my brain can start to shut down and weight loss completely stops, because I am in starvation mode.  I also know I've blogged about this before, however, now that I'm working out - it's extremely important to get my calorie count up.  I'm feeling the effects of my low calories even more now.

I have set my alarm for ever 2 hours, to remind me to eat.  It went off - I ate 3 small slices of deli roast beef.  That was all.  Not even 2 oz's of meat, and I instantly felt sick to my stomach.  My head started hurting, my heart started racing and I couldn't breathe.  I was getting fat, again, I could feel it.  I was moving backward, I was gaining back all the weight I had just lost.  I had had this surgery and went through ALL this pain and suffering for NOTHING because those few slices of meat have RUINED my bypass.  This wonderful opportunity to get my life back and become happy and healthy was out the window because I need to eat every 2 hours.

But... I need to eat every 2 hours!!  I KNOW the reason, I KNOW I HAVE to do it to be healthy and I KNOW I will NOT lose ANY more weight if I can't get my calories up, but do you see how that does not make sense to me??  "I need to eat MORE to lose weight">..... what??   I'm being told this from many different avenues - my husband, my surgeon, my nutritionist, my family dr, my trainers and ALL the research I've done online.  I know this to be true.  But my ill brain can NOT understand it fully enough to make me believe it.  Even if the numbers on the scale start to move again, I don't think that'll help it sink in.

Once my panic attack had subsided, I wanted to drive to the gym and work off the extra, "unnecessary" 116 calories that I had just consumed.  I wanted to punish myself for GORGING on a few slices of deli meat.  I wanted to teach myself a lesson that eating will NOT help me to get to where I want to go.  Then I realized how wrong that thinking is.  I am still capable of stepping back, once I calm down, and see what the TRUTH is, whether I agree with it or believe it or not.  At this point, at least, I am able to do what is right - even though I don't fully understand it.  I will trust everyone around me and eat.  I will do my best to reach that 800 calorie mark, at LEAST 4 days a week.  Then I will make it an everyday thing.  I need to.  I KNOW I need to.

But it's just SO much harder than I had thought!!

Take care, my friends!!

Filling my cup first!

Yes... so, I'm a leggings girl now.  NO, I have NOT lost enough weight to be a sexy, hot momma wearing those skin tight leggings that all the guys stare at her ass.  I AM however, small enough to NOT feel like a big, fat blob wearing something too tight.  I purchased 2 pairs of LuLaRoe leggings and they are A M A Z I N G!  Granted, I've only had them on for about 5 hours at this point, but I don't want to take them off!!  I'm saying this, because this IS due to my weight loss.  In the past, there would be NO amount of money you could give me to get me to wear leggings.  Nope.  Not happening.  However, I've lost enough and am confident enough (getting there) to wear them and be comfortable.  No... probably not running-errands-in-my-LuLaRoe's yet... but I'll be there someday.

I have NOT hit my goal of losing 100lbs by the new year.  I'm ok with that.  Because while in my quest to lose that total of 100lbs by 2016, I realize that I truly have neglected myself, as a whole, for many many years... like so many other mothers do.  And wives.  We are nurturers and take care of everyone before ourselves... and I have had many talks with my grandma, who continually tells me to take care of myself first.  Fill my cup first before filling up everyone else's cup.  SO... I'm OK with NOT losing 100lbs by the new year.  I'm OK with that, because in this quest for my goal, I've realized that I'm an awesome person.  I have a good heart.  I help people, I'm kind, I'm fun, I'm sensitive, I'm bitchy, I'm changed from the mean person I used to be.  I realize that I am a WONDERFUL person.  I am the ONLY flower in my garden that is in desperate need of watering and I need to start with me!  So... I am taking care of myself this year!  I am going to water my garden, take care of myself first - so I am happier and healthier and in a better state to take care of the ones I love around me.... my boys and my husband.

In doing this - I joined a gym.  I know, I know, New Years EVERYONE joins a gym.  However, I paid a chunk in advance AND I got a trainer (also paid in advance).  I do that, so I feel obligated to myself to actually GO and be accountable!  I have gone only a few times so far, and he's kicking my butt, but my trainer Isaac is upbeat, honest, healthy, eager to teach me... and oddly interested in High Fives.  I've never been a fan of High Fives, makes me feel like a 4 year old that just hit the ball off the Tee.... but if he gets motivation from it, so be it.  I'll High Five.  lol.  So far, my biggest enemy isn't my trainer (as I had thought it would be)... it's the backwards elliptical.  I HATE that thing!!  I AM getting used to jelly-legs and having a water bottle near me at all times.  I've given my techy-husband an excuse to splurge on nice headphones for me to use and he also bought me nice work-out shoes.

So far - my biggest success story from the little bit of working out I've done is that I danced at my friends wedding.  I normally can start the cupid shuffle and then I quit halfway through and I'm done for the night.  However, at my friends wedding this past saturday, I danced almost all night (except for the boring songs)... lol.  I wasn't sore, I loved every minute of it.

I've rambled and jumped from topic to topic - but overall - this year, I'm going to take care of me!!  I obviously won't neglect anyone else in my life, but I WILL take care of me.  Yes, grandma, I'll fill my cup first!  And I know in my heart, my whole family will benefit.  I will be happy and healthy this year!!

All for now... 

take care my friend!!