It sucks... I won't quit

I'm stuck.
I'm stalled.
I'm frustrated.
I'm tired of this shit!

I know the 'rules'... I know I need to eat more to lose weight.  I know the more I work out, the more fat I'll burn and more my muscles will magically appear and I'll start looking bomb.com eventually.  However, when I've NEVER struggled with putting food in my mouth... it's beyond difficult to wrap my brain around the logistics.  I KNOW the information - I'm being told over and over again.  It just doesn't make sense.

Above and beyond my issues with not eating enough and working out more than I ever have before... I now have an eating disorder.  Technically, my records show an eating disorder before my surgery, of a food addiction,... but I never took that seriously.  Man... if I would have worked on that before my surgery, I might be better off now.... 10 months after my surgery.  However, now... I feel disgusting if I eat "too much".  (Granted - TOO MUCH is a LOT different now than it ever was before.  Too much, before surgery, would be 2 or 3 plates of food, that a grown man probably couldn't finish.  But too much now - is simply feeling full.)  I HATE feeling full.  I absolutely hate that full feeling - - not the uncomfortable, 'ate-too-much' full feeling.... just full.  Normal, everyday full.  I feel gross, disgusting, nasty and like a giant, fat, obese piece of shit that once again ate entirely too much food... because I'm fat and have a problem with food.  I feel as though the weight is instantly going to be put back on if I have one bite too much... I can feel my clothes getting tighter, I can feel my skin stretching back out, filling in with fat and ickiness because I ate so much food that I feel full.  Just full.  I HATE that feeling.... so I don't feel it.  I do my best to not eat enough to feel full or I take care of it if I do feel full after I eat.  I HATE that feeling!!  It mentally hurts and I can't stand it.  I'm struggling every day to balance the amount of food I'm eating so that I don't feel full - I don't feel hungry hardly ever, so eating in general is hard for me.  This is hard!!

I'm still ranging between 600-700 calories a day, some days I can get as much as 800 in if I truly focus on what I'm eating... or if I know it's going to be a pretty physical day.  My trainers at the gym are trying to show me that I'm doing what I need to be doing - - just need to eat more.  I've lost almost 2% of my body fat in that last 5 weeks, I'm tighter, becoming more 'toned', losing some of my loose skin... but the scale is not moving!  I'm beyond frustrated - my dr wants me to lose 2-3 lbs a week and I'm not doing it.  I work out 3 times a week for at least an hour and I have roller derby practice 2x a week for 4-5 hours total.  I'm being physically active - more than ever before!  I am feeling better - and that's the MOST frustrating part!!

I FEEL better!!  I feel tighter, I don't jiggly as much, I fit into places I haven't before, I wear smaller clothes (did I mention I'm down TEN sizes from when I started this journey?!?!) and I don't get winded hardly ever.... so I'm FEELING better!  But the scale is not moving.  "Don't focus on the numbers on the scale"... I know!  I hear it all the time, I know this.  But what I know and how I feel are not going together... they are not agreeing.

Yes... I know what you're thinking and yes, I'm seeing a therapist.  She's wonderful and helpful, but she's not here with me 4-5x a day when I need to eat, she's not with me when I go to the gym to work out or on mondays when I weigh in, she's not with me when I feel full and instantly need to get that food out.  Even though it's going against everything I KNOW - a part of me wants to go back to the person that just sat around, walked 2-3x a week around the neighborhood and just ate when I felt like it - - the weight was coming off.  I stalled, but I still was losing.  I'm beyond frustrated - - did I say that yet?  I'm BEYOND frustrated and I am TIRED of people telling me to eat more... when I've been told almost my whole life that I'm eating too much.

BUT.... I don't like quitting.  I HATE quitters and quitting and giving up.  I will TRUST the process, I will believe the people that know what they're talking about... my dr, my therapist, my nutritionist, my trainers, my surgeon... I will believe them and trust them and do my BEST to listen to them and do as I'm told.  Eat more - lose more.  I need to get over this mental hurdle and focus on how I'm feeling... (when I'm not full) I'm feeling great!!  Maybe I'll avoid the scale for a few weeks - and do one weight check right before I go to Florida end of the month... see how things change.  We'll see.  But I'm not going to quit or give up - I'll just figure out a better way to eat and look at it as fuel.... not automatic fat that'll make me gain all the weight back.

Ugh... ok, pity party over, venting done... for now. 

Thanks for reading and because you're reading this, thank you for your support.  (Unless you're just being nosey... either way, I don't mind.)  Take care of yourself, friends!!