I Did Hard Today

Yesterday was wednesday, a gym day.  But I woke up with a shooting pain going down my leg, around my inner thigh area.  No idea why, where it came from or how to fix it, but it hurt like a bitch!  I walked around the house for a bit in the am trying to loosen something up, so I could go to the gym and it didn't work.  Then I sat down.  Damn it - I sat down.  An hour passed and I started working, got a call from the high school that my son was sick and I needed to pick him up.... then I was MOM.  I was no longer Amy, taking care of Amy by going to the gym on her 'Gym Day'... I was Ethan's mom and shortly after that I was again Micah & Carters Mom, picking them up and finishing the day as normal.  I felt horrible!  I felt defeated and tired and sleepy.... I am NOT a morning person, I am NOT a regular gym person - but I need to be.  I don't know what that pain was but it hurt bad, it F'n HURT, but I should have went to the gym.  It was an excuse to not go - and excuses are easy, NOT going is easy... getting off my ass and doing something that isn't a habit yet, doing something to take care of myself for once is hard!  Simply said - going to the gym (specially in the morning!) is hard!

Today is thursday... I wake up early  now (without an alarm, dang it, I MAY be becoming a morning person - blah!) and I put my LuLaRoes on, put jeans on top and go to the gym.  I drag my tired, sleepy, still-a-bit-sore ass to the gym.  When I get there, my trainer is already huffin and puffin and sweatin... what the hell has he already done this morning, when all I did was make coffee and barely put my hair in a ponytail.  I'm grumpy, I'm PMS'ing, bloated (so technically gained 2lbs - damn water weight - female world!!), I'm sore, I'm tired, I'm horribly sad for no reason - don't think my depression meds are working quite right.  But I made it IN the door to the gym.  I foam rolled - ugh hate that! - but Isaac says I need to do it.  I decide to blare my music while walking off the crap on the treadmill.  I incline, incline, incline until my thighs burn... I go faster and faster until I almost jog.  Warning: Fat girl jogging!!.... but I loathe jogging, so I slow to a fast walk.

I'm sweating, I'm tired, I'm sad deep in my chest.  The music is upbeat but I'm held back by my thoughts.  I'm SO incredibly angry with myself for not coming in yesterday, for not taking care of myself yesterday, for putting others first all the time.  I'm mad at myself for allowing others to effect me so much.  I'm irritated as hell and just want to stay on the treadmill until I sweat out all my issues.  I don't want to be bothered, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to cry!  Can't cry at the gym... I'm supposed to be strong at the gym!  Then I'm startled by Isaac hopping on the treadmill next to me, doing his own thing, MUCH faster and peppier than I was going.  He's playing air piano, he's jammin, enjoying his music and the work out.  I'm getting upset that he's enjoying it so much and I'm struggling so much today.  He's not on long, he hops off, then holds out his hand to me for a high five.  No words - just those high fives he likes.  Those corny, cheesy, awkward high fives that I don't understand... but I think I get it.

He understands it's hard for me, he sees me trying, he sees me sweating and struggling.  He doesn't give me the option of quitting, like others in my life that say "You can quit if it's too hard"... "Don't do it if you don't like it"... he basically said 'You're doing what's good for YOU today' with that high five.  He said 'I see you, good job'.... with that high five.  It was simple, to him, probably.  It was easy, didn't mean much for him... (like I mentioned before... he likes high fives).  But I was struggling bad, physically and mentally at that moment and felt very alone because that's just my illness clouding my day.  Then there's a hand in my face reminding me that I'm doing what I need to be doing, for me!  ** Then I cried and sweat and kept going. **

Excuses are easy... NOT going is easy... NOT doing is easy.  But treadmills are hard, sweating is hard, allowing others to support you is hard, taking care of yourself is hard, avoiding chocolate when you're pms'ing is hard, getting out of bed when your depression wants you to stay is hard, smiling when your head tells you not to is hard, LIFE is hard.

I did hard today.  

XOXO Friends!