Maintaining...

Oh my gosh - it's been awhile since I last blogged (almost a month).... mostly because my life has been crazy busy.  Family get togethers, lots of Pure Romance parties for work, a few weather and vehicle problems and a good handful of doctor appointments for me and my boys.  In between all that, trying to make time to wrap Christmas presents while the boys aren't home or asleep... which is a job in itself.  None the less, I think I've done pretty well maintaining (and actually losing a little bit) of weight during the holiday season so far.

I did have a goal number I wanted to be under by the 1st of Jan, and I don't see that happening, however, I haven't gained weight, so I'm pleased.  My surgeon explained to me that my fast-weight-loss is about over now, now it should just be steady for the next 6-9 months, and he'd like me to lose an average of 2lbs a week.  This is still an obtainable goal and I see why he's setting it for me, however (of course) I'd like to lose more!  So....

Because of that - I've severely cut down on what I'm eating.  Again.  My anxiety goes through the roof when I have a plate full of carbs or sugars in front of me, or if I have ONE bite too much.... my mind goes crazy.  I instantly feel like I'll gain weight, I feel like I've failed, I feel as though my body is going to go back to the way it was and I did all this for nothing.  I'm no where NEAR happy with where my body is at, now, I don't want to stay here.... but I AM pleased that I'm better off now than when I started.  It's so hard not to compare my journey to others that have similar beginnings, but their outcomes are different.... are better.  They've lost more weight in shorter time, they lose faster than I do, they fit into smaller jeans than I do, but weigh more than I do.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong, like I didn't do things right.  I KNOW I need to eat more, I know I have to get my body out of starvation mode, but I just can't wrap my brain around needing to eat MORE so I can lose weight.  It just doesn't make sense to me.

Bariatric patients are supposed to talk to a therapist on a regular basis.... and me, with my disorders of bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc.... am supposed to see one anyway.  However, my "new therapist" is supposed to be really good & takes 6 weeks to get in with her.  I've scheduled my first appointment with her (was 6 weeks out) and the day OF my appointment, her office calls me because she's sick.  They put me on a cancellation list that never called me - and another 5-6 weeks went by before my rescheduled appointment, only to have her office call me AGAIN to reschedule.  It's been several months and I have yet to see her.  So I am in desperate need to see a therapist!!  For my regular issues as well as seasonal issues (this time of year is really hard on people with depression issues) and for my bariatric issues.  A good friend of mine gave me a name of someone in my town, that is good to use, so I've been trying to get ahold of her.  Hopefully that works out.  Anyhoo - -

SO - - this past 2 weeks, my lovely, dear, over-protective husband has been somewhat monitoring my food, making sure I eat more often and eating protein first - - so I'm up to 4 meals a day.  (I'm supposed to be eating about 6-7 small meals a day, according to my surgeon.)  But... 4 is good, considering I was at barely 2.  Once I started eating more, the stall stopped and the scale started moving.

I know I've talked about this before, but when I eat more & get out of starvation mode, I lose weight again.  But my anxiety and my brain just doesn't understand how eating MORE helps me lose weight.  I NEED to remember this!!

Well... that was long, but I haven't blogged in awhile, and I'm sorry about that.  I feel like I've neglected people, even though I don't really expect people to read my blog, but I'm SO very thankful for the support of my friends and family, who read my blog and follow my journey.  I truly need the support and truly, truly appreciate it!!

Take care of yourself and your loved ones!!