Harder than I thought....

Yes... going into this process, I KNEW it'd be hard.  I knew it'd be hard to not eat the wrong foods, to stop emotional eating, to stop relying on food to make me happy, to move more and become active and get off my ass.  I KNEW I would have to make PERMANENT lifestyle changes in order to become healthy and happy.  What I did NOT expect (although read about and didn't think it could happen to me) was the complete reversal of all my issues.

One spectrum to the other.  One extreme to the other.  Exchange one addiction or problem with another one.  I have a mental disorder, as I've mentioned before, I'm bipolar, severely depressed and also have anxiety disorder.  This can cripple my world for a days - for absolutely no realistic reason.  But it's a fight against my own brain on a daily basis that I have struggled with for many years.  I thought I would try really hard to get over my food addiction and use it as fuel instead - not as emotional support, like in the past.

However... this is MUCH harder than I thought.  I have stalled - more or less - for roughly 4 weeks.  I was aiming for 100lbs lost by the new year, which I've posted that I did not achieve and I'm alright with that.  However, the REASON it didn't happen is what I have a problem with.

I have just settled down after a panic attack today.  My breathing has settled, my heart has slowed and my tears have dried up.  What was today's trigger??  I had to EAT.  My trainer wants me to get up to 800 calories a day, specially now that I'm working out so often, and burning more calories than my body has been used to.  Ideally, I'm sure 1000 calories or near that would make them even MORE happy, but right now I'm teetering between 400-600 calories.  This IS a problem, my body and my brain can start to shut down and weight loss completely stops, because I am in starvation mode.  I also know I've blogged about this before, however, now that I'm working out - it's extremely important to get my calorie count up.  I'm feeling the effects of my low calories even more now.

I have set my alarm for ever 2 hours, to remind me to eat.  It went off - I ate 3 small slices of deli roast beef.  That was all.  Not even 2 oz's of meat, and I instantly felt sick to my stomach.  My head started hurting, my heart started racing and I couldn't breathe.  I was getting fat, again, I could feel it.  I was moving backward, I was gaining back all the weight I had just lost.  I had had this surgery and went through ALL this pain and suffering for NOTHING because those few slices of meat have RUINED my bypass.  This wonderful opportunity to get my life back and become happy and healthy was out the window because I need to eat every 2 hours.

But... I need to eat every 2 hours!!  I KNOW the reason, I KNOW I HAVE to do it to be healthy and I KNOW I will NOT lose ANY more weight if I can't get my calories up, but do you see how that does not make sense to me??  "I need to eat MORE to lose weight">..... what??   I'm being told this from many different avenues - my husband, my surgeon, my nutritionist, my family dr, my trainers and ALL the research I've done online.  I know this to be true.  But my ill brain can NOT understand it fully enough to make me believe it.  Even if the numbers on the scale start to move again, I don't think that'll help it sink in.

Once my panic attack had subsided, I wanted to drive to the gym and work off the extra, "unnecessary" 116 calories that I had just consumed.  I wanted to punish myself for GORGING on a few slices of deli meat.  I wanted to teach myself a lesson that eating will NOT help me to get to where I want to go.  Then I realized how wrong that thinking is.  I am still capable of stepping back, once I calm down, and see what the TRUTH is, whether I agree with it or believe it or not.  At this point, at least, I am able to do what is right - even though I don't fully understand it.  I will trust everyone around me and eat.  I will do my best to reach that 800 calorie mark, at LEAST 4 days a week.  Then I will make it an everyday thing.  I need to.  I KNOW I need to.

But it's just SO much harder than I had thought!!

Take care, my friends!!